Exploring Privilege

So far this year, my head has been swimming in thoughts about my race, gender, income, neighborhood, age, and so much more. Why? I can't identify with most people and "groups" anymore. I don't feel like I "fit in" anywhere.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now and my current situation could not better illustrate my current feeling of dislocation. There are four college girls, all white, all within 2 or 3 years of me, working on a group project. They are talking loudly enough and I am sitting closer than I would have chosen if they were already sitting there (it's been very hard to concentrate without headphones) and their conversation makes me feel so far from them.

I know I was in their exact position just a few short years ago but it's so odd to think about how now I worry about scheduling my clients, trying to expand my business, pay my bills and student loans, manage adult dating and friendships and try to stay above the daily grind by grasping in thin air for some sort of aim or goal that seems worthwhile and they're discussing how they would run their sorority's Twitter account so much better than the other girls who were unwise enough to -get ready - choose chevron as the background of the Twitter page!! (Seriously, I don't think chevron didn't even exist when I was their age!!)

This is all especially bizarre because I find myself resenting their lives and everything they have that they seem to take for granted which - in case you really think I'm as unaware as it seems - is completely RIDICULOUS considering we probably have almost identical backgrounds.

I caught myself judging them the most harshly when they were talking about a younger sister of one of their friends getting a car while only in the 9th grade. One girl asked what kind of car it was and was entirely unimpressed when she heard it was a Honda CRV. I guess the fact that it wasn't a Mustang made the information commonplace. HOW DARE THEY WRITE OFF A PERFECTLY GOOD HONDA AS A GIFT FROM A FATHER TO HIS DAUGHTER! IF I WERE THAT LUCKY....

Then I remembered that the Honda Civic I drove here in tonight is not, in fact mine. It was a gift from my father. I pay for the gas, repairs and insurance and even though I do still consider it his car since I have not yet made any payments to him (he IS the owner), I have destroyed the inside and outside of that vehicle through many countless fender-benders or by moving lumber and rusty dollies for work or, you know, years of smoking (I really am sorry, dad). So, while I am very grateful for the transportation my situation has provided me, I obviously take it for granted.

I've realized I take a lot of it for granted.

So, I'm gonna reflect on that this week. I cannot promise that I won't say something that offends someone or is just plain wrong but this will be an honest exploration of my own privilege.

I have already realized that, subconsciously, I had planned on this being a week to basically prove that I really don't have THAT much privilege. I wanted to feel better about myself, believe that I didn't have much of a leg up in life. That these girls at the table across from me have it sooo much better than I do and that the adult ed black woman next to me that I'm chatting with about doing laundry and trying to relax for a minute at this coffee shop, now she and I have something in common. She's my people, not these yuppy, rich, white college girls.

BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE!!

It honestly may be true for my life at the moment and I LOVE that. But to pretend that I understand her experience better than these girls across from me is ignorant and just plain wrong.

I've found myself feeling more and more isolated from well-off, straight, white, mainstream people and more and more connected with minorities of all kinds. But, while empathy is always a good thing and invaluable in creating change that matters, pretending to be someone or something I'm not and re-inventing my own narrative to seem like I've encountered more hardship than I have will not help anyone and is not fair.

So I'll look at all of the fortunate aspects of my life that I had little or no control over, how they have benefited me, and why I now see how change can only happen when we acknowledge our privileges and do the important work necessary to even the playing field for all people and try, to the greatest extent possible, to end the discrimination and hate so many people face on a regular basis.

I will explore race, gender identity, sexual orientation, income/education and even appearance and am honestly very nervous. I think this important and I want to process and share and- hopefully -create conversation but this will involve being very vulnerable and, as I said, just plain wrong.

Please be patient, tell me if I'm being hurtful and, as always,

THANK YOU FOR READING