I feel the need to record and save this time in my life. It feels much less busy and "loud" than the last few months but somehow more significant or heavy than that whole time which all disappeared in a flash of constant, mindless busy-ness. If anything, I am leaning more towards underwhelmed by the big picture of my life for the time being. I feel as if I'm floating and either about to come crashing down or continue moving higher and higher, hopefully towards something good.
My grandpa died a few weeks ago. I am all too aware that I still don't understand what that really means. I saw him when he was sick and can't quite get that terrible image out of my head. I know that death, whatever it is, must be more peaceful than laying on your side and groaning but I still just can't grasp that I'll never see him again. Even as I type this, my eyes well up with tears but I think "it's fine, I'll see him at Thanksgiving." It is especially hard living 14 hours away from home right now since it means missing his memorial service. It is also especially hard being part of the working poor during times like these when the pressure to earn is so great and you are left to the mercy and charity of family.
My sister and our dogs are still in Chicago with the rest of my family which means I have been alone in this house for the last few weeks. I found out I'm not good at living alone. I need noise. I got a new BluRay (sp?) from a guy I clean for and am currently blasting Ragtime from Amanda's iPod so the house isn't so quiet. Thank you, Broadway.
I decided to stop trying to run an Etsy shop a 2 weeks ago since it only added stress, made very little money and I never put the time into that I should have. I was also dumped from a relatively serious relationship (at least as far as they go in my life). I think, in the very short time since then, I have further damaged a few hearts that probably already had enough wear and tear, including my own.
I should be focuing more on my main forms of earning and income, babysitting and cleaning houses, but something keeps taking over me. It seems to be some form of positive or - at worst- neutral apathy. I have not smoked a cigarette in 3 days and while that makes me very happy, I don't see it as a feat of willpower but one of disinterest which is a concern to me. If I were to lose interest in any hobby, smoking would be the most beneficial to ditch but considering the level of my addiction, it seems odd that apathy could outweigh the need for nicotine.
This may all sound like I am in an unhealthy or unhappy place but that's not quite true. I feel just fine. Not overjoyed but not depressed or down. I can't quite pinpoint how I'm feeling or what is going on in my mind or life but I can feel that it is possibly significant. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel like something's happening here. At least I'll have this in writing to compare later.
