Here I am. It has been two years since my last blog post and one year since I moved home and officially received the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder.
To those that don't know, I suffered two major manic episodes last year, one that led me to the ER and another that came close. During this time, there have also been times of deep depression, anxiety or general apathy. However, thanks to a year of regular medication, therapy, meditation and supportive friends and family, I feel as if I am finally stable. Not yet thriving, but stable.
I am holding down two jobs where I feel appreciated and competent, I get to interact with dozens of people each work day either helping them to organize their lives or get the medical attention they seek. I have also improved my sleep, anxiety levels and continue to connect with old friends that mean the world to me.
I still have hard days. At times, I miss my mania and the sense of raw passion, motivation and endless energy it gave me but I have also come to see the destructive and unhealthy behaviors that it brought out in me. I struggle with lack of motivation as I come out of both mania and depression and am left with a lack of direction and clarity on how a healthy person functions. How to live a balanced life that is still full of passion and drive.
I hope to resume blogging and share more about my struggles for several reasons. The first is purely in the light of self-care. Blogging helps me to process and better understand myself through the therapeutic act of writing and telling my story, even if it just to myself. The second is to keep friends and family aware of what I have gone through since I have not openly posted about my mental health during these trying times. But the most important is to be a voice of hope to anyone struggling with depression, anxiety, a bipolar diagnosis or even suicidal thoughts. I have experienced all of these things and know how scary it is to feel like you are alone in those times. You are not alone and things can and will get better. I will post separately a message of hope and solidarity for those struggling with their own mental health but for now, know that I see you, I love you and I know how hard it can be.
Now that I am in a stable place in life, I want to accomplish more. I want something to drive me and make me feel passionate again. It may be small, but especially in the hard times we are all facing in the world of violence and political turmoil, I think that being a voice of hope and being honest about my own experience is at least some form of bringing relief and hope if not just a dose of honestly and vulnerability to the world. As the name of my blog suggest, this is all Bigger Than I Am. I could never hope to cure all that's wrong in the world or to make mental health problems disappear, but I do hope to be one small light of positivity and hope in my corner of life.
So join me if you are interested. It is not easy and I'm not sure how much I will be able to clarify my thoughts or provide relief to those with their own struggles but, here I am. Writing to myself and to you, my friends, family and possibly those I've never met. I can only hope I bring a tough of good to the world through simple words and authentic sharing. Love to all and no one is alone.
