Living simply used to be my ultimate goal. Avoiding the excess and stress and desires of modern, materialistic living. That was while I was a college student with high hopes, low rent and a lot of help from my parents.
Fast forward: I'm out of school, financially independent (mostly) and dealing with higher rent, student loan payments, car repairs, health costs, taxes, self-employment, adult dating, adult friendships and a dozen other day-to-day realities of adult life including the first time I've had to deal with illness and looming death in my family.
It had been mostly good and I still have no real reason to complain. No major F ups, no additional debt after school, no extreme breakdowns leading to hospitalization or losing a job. But nothing is simple about my life. NOTHING.
I have many, many addictions. Self-control is not in my functioning vocabulary. Willpower? Huh?
Among my addictions to caffeine, nicotine, sugar, sleep too much/sleep deprivation, mood swings, and attracting just enough chaos into my life to follow through with the thrill of swooping in and fixing everything last minute, is my addiction to goals, pursuits, ambitions and jobs.
I want to do everything, learn everything, get good at everything. I want to offer everything to everyone in a way that impresses and awes.
Well, that isn't working. At least not in the sense of living simply. So, I'll start over.
I clean houses, I babysit, I sew and I can help organize cluttered spaces.
It's clear that I do not have the time, motivation or vision for creating and selling unique products. It's clear that I cannot cook, garden or decorate for others in a way that is worth their money. Yet.
And it's clear that I have been stretched so thin and in so many directions that I have no time to do anything I want to do just for myself. And when I do have that time, I stress and worry and procrastinate and write long-winded, tipsy blog posts about my lack of time.
So, Eff it. I'm done till I'm ready. I'll focus on what I can do well and get better at it. I will be punctual and efficient and professional until my workload, income and skills grow enough to expand. This will hopefully lead to a true, small social entrepreneurship endeavor that will benefit me and the people I employ and rely on.
Until then, I gotta simplify. I'm still gonna be complicated and stressed and a tired, worry-ridden young kid with no idea what their doing, but maybe it'll all be a little simpler.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Always Restless, Always Changing
Hypothesis: The need for more is not always a bad thing.
I'm restless again. This happens pretty often- not sure if I should say every few months or include the smaller, more frequent feelings of restlessness that seem to visit just about every other week.
Maybe we are a generation of restless people, always looking for more, expecting more. But, then again, I wonder if we are just a restless species and some people have learned to be content without change. Or, perhaps, as many people have suggested before me, it's just a symptom of being young.
Often, we are quick to blame our need for more (especially material possessions) on our fast-paced, consumer-based and self-centered modern society. I definitely think this is one major factor. But I think that maybe all humans are fated to want more of something, anything, every now and then. And maybe that isn't necessarily such a bad, entitled, selfish thing.
A few years ago, while I was in college, I was frustrated with this cycle of contentment for a time followed by a phase of longing and dissatisfaction. I remember talking to a friend about it one night over black coffee and cigarettes at Waffle House (Note: I still want to quit smoking, but I will always miss smoking in a Waffle House over good conversation at 2am for as long as I live). We decided that wanting more and never feeling fully satisfied is natural and re-occurring but were comforted by a new idea: Maybe you can at least you can choose what you want more of. Or try to, anyway.
One of my favorite concepts I took away from my beginning level philosophy class at Anderson University was that your thoughts create your desires, and by changing what you think about or how you think about it, you can change what you yearn for. You can change what you want and what you think you need.
Powerful stuff.
This friend and I decided that a never-ending desire, need, longing or whatever else you want to call it for more is not always a bad thing depending on the target of that desire. I remember listing goals and pursuits such as knowledge, experience and travel as noble and worthwhile objects to always crave more of.
Now that I have graduated and have been immersed in the adult world of self-employment for over a year, I find myself restless yet again for more. More clients, more ideas, more projects, more cleaning supplies, more organization in my home, more accomplishments I can be proud of. Sometimes all I want is more time alone or with my dogs or with my friends. Often- almost always- I wish I had more self-control and discipline so I could stick to goals, schedules and plans which all go strongly against my personality type.
Some of these desires are healthy and fuel productivity, a sense of self-efficacy and added income. Some simply lead to attaining more followed by simply feeling dissatisfied and even anxious. Like when I recently wanted more than the relationship I was currently in and went on a date with someone I thought would be "more" in many ways only to feel even more disappointed and alone.
So, here I am, restless and wanting more of many things which, paradoxically, is often also wanting less of others (ie: wanting more time with my dogs would mean less work but I also want more work so, that doesn't get me anywhere).
So, I've decided once again, just like many years ago and a few times since, to try to pick what I really want more of. I want to create more, I want to relax more, I want to socialize more but also listen more, talk less. I want more work but only with people and projects that I am excited about and enjoy, no miserable rich people treating me like Cinderalla or projects that demand too many hours of labor for too little profit (or, as is often the case with me, a small loss).
I am restless. I am tired and need to be energized by my own life. I will decide what I truly want and need more of, a noble and worthwhile cause, and go after it. And then, in a little bit, after a phase of satisfaction and even true happiness (if it all works out), I will be restless and wanting more again. So I will pick what is worthwhile work to get it- again.
I think I'm figuring life out. And - oh, boy - is it exhausting. But at least its better than wanting and working for nothing at all.
Or...
Maybe I'm just a self-centered and aimless product of my generation who is unsatisfied because of the outlandish expectations I have for my life as all the journalists suggest.
What do you think? Do you want more? Is that bad? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
I'm restless again. This happens pretty often- not sure if I should say every few months or include the smaller, more frequent feelings of restlessness that seem to visit just about every other week.
Maybe we are a generation of restless people, always looking for more, expecting more. But, then again, I wonder if we are just a restless species and some people have learned to be content without change. Or, perhaps, as many people have suggested before me, it's just a symptom of being young.
Often, we are quick to blame our need for more (especially material possessions) on our fast-paced, consumer-based and self-centered modern society. I definitely think this is one major factor. But I think that maybe all humans are fated to want more of something, anything, every now and then. And maybe that isn't necessarily such a bad, entitled, selfish thing.
A few years ago, while I was in college, I was frustrated with this cycle of contentment for a time followed by a phase of longing and dissatisfaction. I remember talking to a friend about it one night over black coffee and cigarettes at Waffle House (Note: I still want to quit smoking, but I will always miss smoking in a Waffle House over good conversation at 2am for as long as I live). We decided that wanting more and never feeling fully satisfied is natural and re-occurring but were comforted by a new idea: Maybe you can at least you can choose what you want more of. Or try to, anyway.
One of my favorite concepts I took away from my beginning level philosophy class at Anderson University was that your thoughts create your desires, and by changing what you think about or how you think about it, you can change what you yearn for. You can change what you want and what you think you need.
Powerful stuff.
This friend and I decided that a never-ending desire, need, longing or whatever else you want to call it for more is not always a bad thing depending on the target of that desire. I remember listing goals and pursuits such as knowledge, experience and travel as noble and worthwhile objects to always crave more of.
Now that I have graduated and have been immersed in the adult world of self-employment for over a year, I find myself restless yet again for more. More clients, more ideas, more projects, more cleaning supplies, more organization in my home, more accomplishments I can be proud of. Sometimes all I want is more time alone or with my dogs or with my friends. Often- almost always- I wish I had more self-control and discipline so I could stick to goals, schedules and plans which all go strongly against my personality type.
Some of these desires are healthy and fuel productivity, a sense of self-efficacy and added income. Some simply lead to attaining more followed by simply feeling dissatisfied and even anxious. Like when I recently wanted more than the relationship I was currently in and went on a date with someone I thought would be "more" in many ways only to feel even more disappointed and alone.
So, here I am, restless and wanting more of many things which, paradoxically, is often also wanting less of others (ie: wanting more time with my dogs would mean less work but I also want more work so, that doesn't get me anywhere).
So, I've decided once again, just like many years ago and a few times since, to try to pick what I really want more of. I want to create more, I want to relax more, I want to socialize more but also listen more, talk less. I want more work but only with people and projects that I am excited about and enjoy, no miserable rich people treating me like Cinderalla or projects that demand too many hours of labor for too little profit (or, as is often the case with me, a small loss).
I am restless. I am tired and need to be energized by my own life. I will decide what I truly want and need more of, a noble and worthwhile cause, and go after it. And then, in a little bit, after a phase of satisfaction and even true happiness (if it all works out), I will be restless and wanting more again. So I will pick what is worthwhile work to get it- again.
I think I'm figuring life out. And - oh, boy - is it exhausting. But at least its better than wanting and working for nothing at all.
Or...
Maybe I'm just a self-centered and aimless product of my generation who is unsatisfied because of the outlandish expectations I have for my life as all the journalists suggest.
What do you think? Do you want more? Is that bad? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
THANKS FOR READING
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