what it feels like to really, truly not be ok (a look back 4 years)

A Look Back -

I'm thinking about blogging again, looked through all my past posts and could see the actual deterioration of my mental health. This post is originally from October 1, 2014. I wanted to share it as an archive of where I was. As I mention at the end, I truly could not see a way out our a future where I would be happy. Besides this intro, nothing else has been edited. Sometimes I forget how far I've come in the last 4 years. I had not been properly diagnosed with bipolar at this point and was not on any medication. Depression, anxiety and bipolar affect every part of life and I'm so glad I've come through the other side. I'm always here for you if you're going through this now, all I can say for the moment is that it really, truly sucks.

Original Post (10/1/14) -

- to always feel out of place, like your doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, with the wrong people, not working hard enough, working to hard, and on and on

- to be so afraid of the world that you get up on some mornings when you're feeling brave and put on nice clothes and do your makeup well with the intention of going out in the world and making connections, having experiences, feeling alive only to wallow, hide, procrastinate and never leave the house all day

- to follow your own path, do what you love, support yourself, sacrifice and fight for what matters to you and have it crumble under your own exhaustion

- to hear from countless friends and family after your demise that they are glad you failed, that the way you were doing things wasn't good anyway, that this is better

- to try to "get a job" and "have a relationship" the way everyone thinks is healthy and normal only to feel your skin crawl and your insides scream the whole time you go through the motions of doing either one, only to ultimately fucked them both up

- to try so hard at everyday life that people are amused by you, causing them to laugh at issues that, deep down, to you, are vulnerable and painful open wounds

- to be everyone's clown, the butt of every joke, but to hate everything about yourself

- to have only one person you can talk to honestly and feel 100% understood by and then to have them tear the fiber of your being to shreds without regretting anything

- to feel your home is in so many different places and nowhere at the same time

- to not fall asleep, wake up early and cry for no reason before going to work

- to never, ever be able to make a single change that you attempt no matter how clear the plan is, how beneficial the change will be or how badly you want it

- to be a constant dissappointment to yourself except when you accomplish something truly unique that you are proud of but everyone else dismisses

- to never be able to visualize a single positive outcome for your own future

- when, in the fleeitng moments of clarity and optimism, to quickly change your mind

-to never really, truly feel ok, normal, happy, content, sane, balanced or healthy

this is me. this is how i feel most of the time, except when i dont. it sucks and im done