My Post-College Funk

I'm not delusional. I know that yet another blog by yet another twenty-something who's "just trying to figure it all out" is about as fresh and exciting as a FarmVille request on facebook. 

But, for me, starting this blog is a terrifying, ambitious and liberating endeavor that marks a significant change in my beliefs and habits.

Why is such an ordinary blog such a big deal for me? Let me tell you a tale...

6 months and 11 days ago, I graduated college. 

The following 3 months and 15 days were unforgettable. Weddings, road trips, a family reunion and countless incredible nights hanging out with all the people I love most. And I was ignorant enough to believe that- just like the few hundred dollars I had at the time- the good times would never end.

Then, 2 months and 27 days ago, the "real world" happened. Time to become an adult, a college graduate, a real person. In other words: get a job.

I decided to move in with my sister in Raleigh, North Carolina and start my new life there. And, oh boy, did I have high expectations for my new life! 

Now, I didn't so much expect a great salary or the opportunity to put my degree to good use- the media, economic reports and past graduates had pretty much put those hopes to rest- it was more that I just expected to become a completely different person. Really.

What does that mean? 

Here are just a few actual examples of the person I thought I might magically become when I changed my mailing address:

The Epic Hippie- I would weigh 20 lbs less (not actually lose weight, I just naturally weigh less in this reality) become a raw vegan and do yoga in the forest every day. ("What's that I see? A little bird? Come here, little bird! Rest on my shoulder and sing me your forest songs!")

A Really Professional Young Professional- I would snag some super fancy job, start drinking lattes and only wear the type of clothes that people describe with polite synonyms for boring (e.g. muted, sensible, moderate, plain). Oo, and pencil skirts! And- let's not get crazy- but maybe even a blazer on really important days!

B.A. Bartender - There's really only one important distinction between this girl and my real self: I would be significantly less awkward! I would be assertive, decisive and maybe even be able to talk to a stranger without weirdly touching my face or contorting into strange positions.

Hardcore Environmental/Human Rights Activist - My radical views and complete indifference to mainstream society would allow me to finally just buzz my head. (We all know it's gonna happen sometime...)

Apprentice Horse Whisperer- "What's that, Mr. Redford? You think I have the gift? And... you... want my hand in marriage?!" 

A Runner- This one may seem the most attainable but, trust me, it's not.

All of these, and more, are actual scenarios and alter-egos I thought might just materialize because I got a degree and moved to a new state. 

And did any of them happen? Just becoming a horse whisperer. I guess I didn't so much become a horse whisperer and marry Robert Redford as much as I did take one horseback riding lesson that a friend found on Groupon. Still counts, though.

So, I got pretty bummed. Each day that went by that I didn't have random, super-awesome new tattoos or a super-awesome job or some some super-awesome new hairstyle, I got more and more disappointed. I eventually fell into what could either be classified as a mild depression or a severe funk: I started avoiding talking to my friends, rarely left the house and became atrociously unhealthy. Seriously. I ate McDonald's so often that when I actually went in to order my food for the first time, the guy mopping the floor saw me and asked, in front of everyone, "What?! No drive-thru today?" 

Yeah, that happened.

But, the reality is, my new life wasn't that bad. I set up a little "nanny share" where I could babysit two fantastic toddlers in my house, I was making decent money, I got a dog that I love, I went out with my sister and her friends, met some really cool people and have had some really good times. I (mostly) quit smoking and (mostly) fixed my horrendous sleep schedule. I even met a pretty great guy. It just wasn't any of the fantasies I had clung to and I therefore determined that my life sucked.

Which brings me to the present and my not-so-impressive-by-anyone-else's-standards-but-my-own blog. 

Last weeks, I found out I would no longer be babysitting for one of the families that made up about 70% of my income. I was bummed. I was lost, once again. I didn't know if I should move home and give up, stay and find a dead-end job or just hop the border and avoid next month's student loan payment (I favored the latter). 

But then I realized: this is my chance to start all over again, all over again. And maybe this time, I can be a little more realistic and focus on the little exciting things that are happening instead of the huge, ludicrous things that aren't. And that's why I started this blog this week. 

See, just as I had imagined becoming an epic new person, I had imagined releasing some epic new blog that would wow all my friends, family and probably even Western civilization as a whole. But (obviously) that's not what this is. This is a pretty ordinary post on what will probably be a pretty ordinary blog. But I'm ok with that. I'm ok with being ordinary.

This is a struggle I've had for a long time that many of my friends are familiar with: the all-or-nothing mentality. I often think that if I'm not going to be or do the most incredible and extreme thing imaginable, I just won't be or do anything at all. But I'm going to fight that mentality. This blog is not extraordinary and it probably never will be, just like I'll probably never be one of those awesome chicks above. So what?

I'd rather do little, ordinary things like posting about my thoughts and feelings than sit and fret and plan some fairy-tale without ever accomplishing anything. So, world, this is it. This is my very own blog and this is all I have to say for now:

I'm just the actual me, living my actual life and trying to be happy doing it.