Exploring Privilege

So far this year, my head has been swimming in thoughts about my race, gender, income, neighborhood, age, and so much more. Why? I can't identify with most people and "groups" anymore. I don't feel like I "fit in" anywhere.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now and my current situation could not better illustrate my current feeling of dislocation. There are four college girls, all white, all within 2 or 3 years of me, working on a group project. They are talking loudly enough and I am sitting closer than I would have chosen if they were already sitting there (it's been very hard to concentrate without headphones) and their conversation makes me feel so far from them.

I know I was in their exact position just a few short years ago but it's so odd to think about how now I worry about scheduling my clients, trying to expand my business, pay my bills and student loans, manage adult dating and friendships and try to stay above the daily grind by grasping in thin air for some sort of aim or goal that seems worthwhile and they're discussing how they would run their sorority's Twitter account so much better than the other girls who were unwise enough to -get ready - choose chevron as the background of the Twitter page!! (Seriously, I don't think chevron didn't even exist when I was their age!!)

This is all especially bizarre because I find myself resenting their lives and everything they have that they seem to take for granted which - in case you really think I'm as unaware as it seems - is completely RIDICULOUS considering we probably have almost identical backgrounds.

I caught myself judging them the most harshly when they were talking about a younger sister of one of their friends getting a car while only in the 9th grade. One girl asked what kind of car it was and was entirely unimpressed when she heard it was a Honda CRV. I guess the fact that it wasn't a Mustang made the information commonplace. HOW DARE THEY WRITE OFF A PERFECTLY GOOD HONDA AS A GIFT FROM A FATHER TO HIS DAUGHTER! IF I WERE THAT LUCKY....

Then I remembered that the Honda Civic I drove here in tonight is not, in fact mine. It was a gift from my father. I pay for the gas, repairs and insurance and even though I do still consider it his car since I have not yet made any payments to him (he IS the owner), I have destroyed the inside and outside of that vehicle through many countless fender-benders or by moving lumber and rusty dollies for work or, you know, years of smoking (I really am sorry, dad). So, while I am very grateful for the transportation my situation has provided me, I obviously take it for granted.

I've realized I take a lot of it for granted.

So, I'm gonna reflect on that this week. I cannot promise that I won't say something that offends someone or is just plain wrong but this will be an honest exploration of my own privilege.

I have already realized that, subconsciously, I had planned on this being a week to basically prove that I really don't have THAT much privilege. I wanted to feel better about myself, believe that I didn't have much of a leg up in life. That these girls at the table across from me have it sooo much better than I do and that the adult ed black woman next to me that I'm chatting with about doing laundry and trying to relax for a minute at this coffee shop, now she and I have something in common. She's my people, not these yuppy, rich, white college girls.

BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE!!

It honestly may be true for my life at the moment and I LOVE that. But to pretend that I understand her experience better than these girls across from me is ignorant and just plain wrong.

I've found myself feeling more and more isolated from well-off, straight, white, mainstream people and more and more connected with minorities of all kinds. But, while empathy is always a good thing and invaluable in creating change that matters, pretending to be someone or something I'm not and re-inventing my own narrative to seem like I've encountered more hardship than I have will not help anyone and is not fair.

So I'll look at all of the fortunate aspects of my life that I had little or no control over, how they have benefited me, and why I now see how change can only happen when we acknowledge our privileges and do the important work necessary to even the playing field for all people and try, to the greatest extent possible, to end the discrimination and hate so many people face on a regular basis.

I will explore race, gender identity, sexual orientation, income/education and even appearance and am honestly very nervous. I think this important and I want to process and share and- hopefully -create conversation but this will involve being very vulnerable and, as I said, just plain wrong.

Please be patient, tell me if I'm being hurtful and, as always,

THANK YOU FOR READING

We're All Drowning. (Except Old People. Old People Know What's Up.)

I clean and organize houses for a living. I spend a lot of time "behind the curtain" of peoples' lives and I've learned a very valuable lesson: we are all a hot mess. We are all drowning.

Now, if I've ever worked for you, please do not freak out or take personal offense. I am talking from the experience in my own life/house and from the dozens upon dozens of parents, professionals, bachelors, young people, retired couples and everyone else I have worked with over the past ten years. I'm talking about all of us.

We are stressed. We have too many things. We spend too much money. We over-book our time. We focus on relationships that wear us out. We waste out free time. We are rarely in the present moment. We move very fast, getting not very much done.

So, please know, f you do any of the things above or ever feel like your life is complete chaos, you're not alone.

All of our lives are chaos.

Every time I clean for a new client, they apologize profusely for "the mess" or "the clutter" or the way things look and I always assure them not to worry, that this is what I do all the time for a living and that - truthfully - it's not any different or worse than any other house. Ok, yes, logically, not every houses is exactly the same; some are better and some are, in fact, worse. But the actual state of the house is relative and not important. What matters is that most people feel equally overwhelmed about their homes and lives.

(Of course, my sampling is obviously skewed toward more disorganized people, hence why they contact me for my services. Still, even in my personal observations, it is clear that many people fit in this category)

We work hard to buy things we don't need. We misuse our time doing things that make us miserable instead of making the time and space for what brings us true joy. The temptations of our modern world are just too strong and easily-accessible; bad TV, insanely cheap but super useless knick knacks on store shelves, never-ending "solutions" to modern living whether these are gadgets, organizing tools, the newest health fad food or whatever else marketers know we'll think we need the instant we see it. (They are smart people, don't underestimated them. They have studies and algorithms on their side!).

We buy these things, surround ourselves with these things and they make us feel warm and fuzzy for a short while- research shows its a VERY short while - and then wake up everyday wading through our own possessions and stressing about our jammed schedules with people and activities we dread just to come home to those same piles of things we must move from place to place and clean and, in whatever form, put energy into. 

This is the key: objects take energy and space. Obligations take time. People take emotional capital. Now think about this: how much of each of those things do you have? If the answer is "infinite, and they never need replenishing" then, please, by all means, keep doing what you're doing.

But, please, let's all recognize our limits and respect them.

One observation with all this is that the older people I work for are the ones least likely to be stressed or overwhelmed. It's amazing to see. 

It seems sometime in your 60's (this is confirmed in happiness research) you just stop worrying so much because nothing seems worth the bother. Trust me, their houses are no cleaner or better organized than anyone else's and they like to have them clean but they don't worry and apologize and fuss about the details like most people (including myself) do. They just say "here's the bathroom. It's dirty" and move on with their day. They don't run from meeting to meeting or arrange to have coffee dates with people they don't like, they've learned not to surround themselves with the people they don't like. Ok, maybe they buy stuff they don't need, but even that doesn't seem to bother them the way it stresses many other people in the end.

(True, these are broad generalizations but they are based on the people I actually work for and. like I said, figures that show happiness actually peaks around age 65. This may not sum up all older people and I know for a fact that there are plenty of young people who don't get bothered/overwhelmed by all the things I'm describing but it does seem that age and experience brings perspective which then makes it clear that worry is, almost always, a waste.)

Just think: Every wise and calm grandmother MUST have been a frantic new mom at some point, worrying about every detail of their baby's health and the condition of the home!

FINAL THOUGHT: As I write this, typing profusely, thoughts flowing faster than I can process them, sipping an americano at a coffee shop, a man in his 70's who was sitting a few chairs down from me just left. I kept thinking he was meeting someone or waiting for something because he was just sitting. Not on a computer, no phone, not ever reading a newspaper or a book! He was sitting. He would take a sip from his drink, and he would sit some more. In complete silence for about 30 minutes, this man sat and sipped. 

Now, maaaaybe in his mind he was running through a list of everything he had to do this week, everything that went wrong last week, every political event that is making him fume at the moment, everything he wishes he had more time for, everything he wants to buy, everything he wishes he could afford, every bill that stresses him out and every blog post his very loud brain tells him he HAS to write like I do every time I'm faced with silence and stillness but.... ya know what, it didn't look like that's what he was thinking about. Looked like he was just sitting.

Let's learn from that man, people. Let's save ourselves from drowning. Better yet, let's throw out some lifesavers and give each other a hand. I know I could use one from time to time.

THANKS FOR READING

P.S. If none of the above issues describe your life in anyway, SOS! I mean, GREAT JOB!! Keep it up and disregard everything I said. Also, feel free to share some tips for all of us hot messes!

P.P.S. I'll be at the Moral March in Raleigh this weekend (ALL NC PEOPLE SHOULD GO) and am planning a series next week about privilege. Race, education, gender identity, sexual orientation and appearance will all be explored plus what privilege means and how we should act when we got a lot of it! Be on the lookout!

What I Will Lose in 2014

This is my first blog post written from my smartphone so I'll keep it breif to spare my poor thumbs.

I've posted a lot on facebook and told many people in person over the holidays about my new, small apartment. When I went to pick up my keys and start unpacking somethings today, I was shocked yet again at how small it really is.

361 sq ft of living space and an additional 180 sq ft of storage/workshop area. To many people in the world and even many in our own country, this is probably a lot of space for just one person. But for a rather comfortable, midle-class millenial from the spacious Chicago suburbs who runs numerous businesses, it will certainly be an adjustment.

Besides square footage, here is a brief list of everything I will be losing when I move into this new apartment:

-cable tv
-internet (but I do have data on my phone)
-central air conditioning & heat
-dishwasher
-washing machine & dryer
-microwave
-toaster oven
-tv set
-one dog
-big back porch
-a very safe & comfortable neighborhood
-the safety net of living with a family member

This is a lot to lose, especially considering I am ADDING to my monthly expenses to live in this new place. But what I hope to gain will hopefully outweigh the loss of all these creature comforts. I hope to gain:

-a greater sense of autonomy and self-worth
-more space for messy, creative projects
-the joy of living truly on my own
-the freedom to mess up and be confused
-a release from the pressures of materialism
-more clients and work I love
-the simple pleasures of a slow life
-increased productivity
-using public spaces & rescources more
-staying couped up in my house less

Now, this is a long, unedited list of what I hope to gain and it may not all come true but I can only hope that a lot of what I will lose in my tiny apartment will lead to even bigger, more meaningful gains.

What could you stand to lose this year? What do you hope to gain?

Happy New Year, everyone. As always, thanks for reading!

A Snapshot

I feel the need to record and save this time in my life. It feels much less busy and "loud" than the last few months but somehow more significant or heavy than that whole time which all disappeared in a flash of constant, mindless busy-ness. If anything, I am leaning more towards underwhelmed by the big picture of my life for the time being. I feel as if I'm floating and either about to come crashing down or continue moving higher and higher, hopefully towards something good.

My grandpa died a few weeks ago. I am all too aware that I still don't understand what that really means. I saw him when he was sick and can't quite get that terrible image out of my head. I know that death, whatever it is, must be more peaceful than laying on your side and groaning but I still just can't grasp that I'll never see him again. Even as I type this, my eyes well up with tears but I think "it's fine, I'll see him at Thanksgiving." It is especially hard living 14 hours away from home right now since it means missing his memorial service. It is also especially hard being part of the working poor during times like these when the pressure to earn is so great and you are left to the mercy and charity of family.

My sister and our dogs are still in Chicago with the rest of my family which means I have been alone in this house for the last few weeks. I found out I'm not good at living alone. I need noise. I got a new BluRay (sp?) from a guy I clean for and am currently blasting Ragtime from Amanda's iPod so the house isn't so quiet. Thank you, Broadway.

I decided to stop trying to run an Etsy shop a 2 weeks ago since it only added stress, made very little money and I never put the time into that I should have. I was also dumped from a relatively serious relationship (at least as far as they go in my life). I think, in the very short time since then, I have further damaged a few hearts that probably already had enough wear and tear, including my own.

I should be focuing more on my main forms of earning and income, babysitting and cleaning houses, but something keeps taking over me. It seems to be some form of positive or - at worst- neutral apathy. I have not smoked a cigarette in 3 days and while that makes me very happy, I don't see it as a feat of willpower but one of disinterest which is a concern to me. If I were to lose interest in any hobby, smoking would be the most beneficial to ditch but considering the level of my addiction, it seems odd that apathy could outweigh the need for nicotine.

This may all sound like I am in an unhealthy or unhappy place but that's not quite true. I feel just fine. Not overjoyed but not depressed or down. I can't quite pinpoint how I'm feeling or what is going on in my mind or life but I can feel that it is possibly significant. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel like something's happening here. At least I'll have this in writing to compare later.

Simplify

Living simply used to be my ultimate goal. Avoiding the excess and stress and desires of modern, materialistic living. That was while I was a college student with high hopes, low rent and a lot of help from my parents.

Fast forward: I'm out of school, financially independent (mostly) and dealing with higher rent, student loan payments, car repairs, health costs, taxes, self-employment, adult dating, adult friendships and a dozen other day-to-day realities of adult life including the first time I've had to deal with illness and looming death in my family.

It had been mostly good and I still have no real reason to complain. No major F ups, no additional debt after school, no extreme breakdowns leading to hospitalization or losing a job. But nothing is simple about my life. NOTHING.

I have many, many addictions. Self-control is not in my functioning vocabulary. Willpower? Huh?

Among my addictions to caffeine, nicotine, sugar, sleep too much/sleep deprivation, mood swings, and attracting just enough chaos into my life to follow through with the thrill of swooping in and fixing everything last minute, is my addiction to goals, pursuits, ambitions and jobs.

I want to do everything, learn everything, get good at everything. I want to offer everything to everyone in a way that impresses and awes.

Well, that isn't working. At least not in the sense of living simply. So, I'll start over.

I clean houses, I babysit, I sew and I can help organize cluttered spaces.

It's clear that I do not have the time, motivation or vision for creating and selling unique products. It's clear that I cannot cook, garden or decorate for others in a way that is worth their money. Yet.

 And it's clear that I have been stretched so thin and in so many directions that I have no time to do anything I want to do just for myself. And when I do have that time, I stress and worry and procrastinate and write long-winded, tipsy blog posts about my lack of time.

So, Eff it. I'm done till I'm ready. I'll focus on what I can do well and get better at it. I will be punctual and efficient and professional until my workload, income and skills grow enough to expand. This will hopefully lead to a true, small social entrepreneurship endeavor that will benefit me and the people I employ and rely on.

Until then, I gotta simplify. I'm still gonna be complicated and stressed and a tired, worry-ridden young kid with no idea what their doing, but maybe it'll all be a little simpler.

Always Restless, Always Changing

Hypothesis: The need for more is not always a bad thing.


I'm restless again. This happens pretty often- not sure if I should say every few months or include the smaller, more frequent feelings of restlessness that seem to visit just about every other week.

Maybe we are a generation of restless people, always looking for more, expecting more. But, then again, I wonder if we are just a restless species and some people have learned to be content without change. Or, perhaps, as many people have suggested before me, it's just a symptom of being young.

Often, we are quick to blame our need for more (especially material possessions) on our fast-paced, consumer-based and self-centered modern society. I definitely think this is one major factor. But I think that maybe all humans are fated to want more of something, anything, every now and then. And maybe that isn't necessarily such a bad, entitled, selfish thing.

A few years ago, while I was in college, I was frustrated with this cycle of contentment for a time followed by a phase of longing and dissatisfaction. I remember talking to a friend about it one night over black coffee and cigarettes at Waffle House (Note: I still want to quit smoking, but I will always miss smoking in a Waffle House over good conversation at 2am for as long as I live). We decided that wanting more and never feeling fully satisfied is natural and re-occurring but were comforted by a new idea: Maybe you can at least you can choose what you want more of. Or try to, anyway.

One of my favorite concepts I took away from my beginning level philosophy class at Anderson University was that your thoughts create your desires, and by changing what you think about or how you think about it, you can change what you yearn for. You can change what you want and what you think you need. 

Powerful stuff.

This friend and I decided that a never-ending desire, need, longing or whatever else you want to call it for more is not always a bad thing depending on the target of that desire. I remember listing goals and pursuits such as knowledge, experience and travel as noble and worthwhile objects to always crave more of.

Now that I have graduated and have been immersed in the adult world of self-employment for over a year, I find myself restless yet again for more. More clients, more ideas, more projects, more cleaning supplies, more organization in my home, more accomplishments I can be proud of. Sometimes all I want is more time alone or with my dogs or with my friends. Often- almost always- I wish I had more self-control and discipline so I could stick to goals, schedules and plans which all go strongly against my personality type.

Some of these desires are healthy and fuel productivity, a sense of self-efficacy and added income. Some simply lead to attaining more followed by simply feeling dissatisfied and even anxious. Like when I recently wanted more than the relationship I was currently in and went on a date with someone I thought would be "more" in many ways only to feel even more disappointed and alone.

So, here I am, restless and wanting more of many things which, paradoxically, is often also wanting less of others (ie: wanting more time with my dogs would mean less work but I also want more work so, that doesn't get me anywhere).

So, I've decided once again, just like many years ago and a few times since, to try to pick what I really want more of. I want to create more, I want to relax more, I want to socialize more but also listen more, talk less. I want more work but only with people and projects that I am excited about and enjoy, no miserable rich people treating me like Cinderalla or projects that demand too many hours of labor for too little profit (or, as is often the case with me, a small loss).

I am restless. I am tired and need to be energized by my own life. I will decide what I truly want and need more of, a noble and worthwhile cause, and go after it. And then, in a little bit, after a phase of satisfaction and even true happiness (if it all works out), I will be restless and wanting more again. So I will pick what is worthwhile work to get it- again.

I think I'm figuring life out. And - oh, boy - is it exhausting. But at least its better than wanting and working for nothing at all.

Or... 

Maybe I'm just a self-centered and aimless product of my generation who is unsatisfied because of the outlandish expectations I have for my life as all the journalists suggest.

What do you think? Do you want more? Is that bad? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

THANKS FOR READING

Thread & Sewing Organizer- The Prototype

I had this idea a few months ago when I was setting up my new sewing room and it was instantly all-consuming. I've never designed a product before but this one was so clear in my mind- practical, relatively simple to make (or so I thought- ha!) and pretty darn cute.

This is just the prototype and the craftsmanship is faaaarr from perfect but I'm very happy with the overall look so far! I really hope to get the design down and start making these to sell for sewers and quilters online and maybe at shows (long-term goals, people).

I put 2" dowel rods on 3 sides but left the last one to hang and organize small sewing tools. I want to add a pincushion either to the top or this side and a handle to make it portable.

Here's the good part: Right now, this one just sits on the desk but once I order lazy susan bearings, it's gonna spin. PA-POW! The practical element just went through the roof!

Part of the iffy craftsmanship is due to my limited workspace and tools. Almost all of this project was done in my bedroom or on the back porch using a handsaw, hammer, nails, drill, Elmer's glue, spray paint and other odd-and-ends.

The other part of the iffy craftsmanship is due to just wanting to get it done. :)

Now that I've got a starter, it's back to the drawing board for me and my wonderful friends and family who are helping plan this whole thing out.

Do you have any ideas for what can make this an awesome organizer?! And what are the other uses I'm not thinking of? So far, I've thought about making these for tools, other crafts, jewelry and maybe even one for the kitchen. Please share your ideas!

THANKS FOR READING