What I Will Lose in 2014

This is my first blog post written from my smartphone so I'll keep it breif to spare my poor thumbs.

I've posted a lot on facebook and told many people in person over the holidays about my new, small apartment. When I went to pick up my keys and start unpacking somethings today, I was shocked yet again at how small it really is.

361 sq ft of living space and an additional 180 sq ft of storage/workshop area. To many people in the world and even many in our own country, this is probably a lot of space for just one person. But for a rather comfortable, midle-class millenial from the spacious Chicago suburbs who runs numerous businesses, it will certainly be an adjustment.

Besides square footage, here is a brief list of everything I will be losing when I move into this new apartment:

-cable tv
-internet (but I do have data on my phone)
-central air conditioning & heat
-dishwasher
-washing machine & dryer
-microwave
-toaster oven
-tv set
-one dog
-big back porch
-a very safe & comfortable neighborhood
-the safety net of living with a family member

This is a lot to lose, especially considering I am ADDING to my monthly expenses to live in this new place. But what I hope to gain will hopefully outweigh the loss of all these creature comforts. I hope to gain:

-a greater sense of autonomy and self-worth
-more space for messy, creative projects
-the joy of living truly on my own
-the freedom to mess up and be confused
-a release from the pressures of materialism
-more clients and work I love
-the simple pleasures of a slow life
-increased productivity
-using public spaces & rescources more
-staying couped up in my house less

Now, this is a long, unedited list of what I hope to gain and it may not all come true but I can only hope that a lot of what I will lose in my tiny apartment will lead to even bigger, more meaningful gains.

What could you stand to lose this year? What do you hope to gain?

Happy New Year, everyone. As always, thanks for reading!

A Snapshot

I feel the need to record and save this time in my life. It feels much less busy and "loud" than the last few months but somehow more significant or heavy than that whole time which all disappeared in a flash of constant, mindless busy-ness. If anything, I am leaning more towards underwhelmed by the big picture of my life for the time being. I feel as if I'm floating and either about to come crashing down or continue moving higher and higher, hopefully towards something good.

My grandpa died a few weeks ago. I am all too aware that I still don't understand what that really means. I saw him when he was sick and can't quite get that terrible image out of my head. I know that death, whatever it is, must be more peaceful than laying on your side and groaning but I still just can't grasp that I'll never see him again. Even as I type this, my eyes well up with tears but I think "it's fine, I'll see him at Thanksgiving." It is especially hard living 14 hours away from home right now since it means missing his memorial service. It is also especially hard being part of the working poor during times like these when the pressure to earn is so great and you are left to the mercy and charity of family.

My sister and our dogs are still in Chicago with the rest of my family which means I have been alone in this house for the last few weeks. I found out I'm not good at living alone. I need noise. I got a new BluRay (sp?) from a guy I clean for and am currently blasting Ragtime from Amanda's iPod so the house isn't so quiet. Thank you, Broadway.

I decided to stop trying to run an Etsy shop a 2 weeks ago since it only added stress, made very little money and I never put the time into that I should have. I was also dumped from a relatively serious relationship (at least as far as they go in my life). I think, in the very short time since then, I have further damaged a few hearts that probably already had enough wear and tear, including my own.

I should be focuing more on my main forms of earning and income, babysitting and cleaning houses, but something keeps taking over me. It seems to be some form of positive or - at worst- neutral apathy. I have not smoked a cigarette in 3 days and while that makes me very happy, I don't see it as a feat of willpower but one of disinterest which is a concern to me. If I were to lose interest in any hobby, smoking would be the most beneficial to ditch but considering the level of my addiction, it seems odd that apathy could outweigh the need for nicotine.

This may all sound like I am in an unhealthy or unhappy place but that's not quite true. I feel just fine. Not overjoyed but not depressed or down. I can't quite pinpoint how I'm feeling or what is going on in my mind or life but I can feel that it is possibly significant. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel like something's happening here. At least I'll have this in writing to compare later.

Simplify

Living simply used to be my ultimate goal. Avoiding the excess and stress and desires of modern, materialistic living. That was while I was a college student with high hopes, low rent and a lot of help from my parents.

Fast forward: I'm out of school, financially independent (mostly) and dealing with higher rent, student loan payments, car repairs, health costs, taxes, self-employment, adult dating, adult friendships and a dozen other day-to-day realities of adult life including the first time I've had to deal with illness and looming death in my family.

It had been mostly good and I still have no real reason to complain. No major F ups, no additional debt after school, no extreme breakdowns leading to hospitalization or losing a job. But nothing is simple about my life. NOTHING.

I have many, many addictions. Self-control is not in my functioning vocabulary. Willpower? Huh?

Among my addictions to caffeine, nicotine, sugar, sleep too much/sleep deprivation, mood swings, and attracting just enough chaos into my life to follow through with the thrill of swooping in and fixing everything last minute, is my addiction to goals, pursuits, ambitions and jobs.

I want to do everything, learn everything, get good at everything. I want to offer everything to everyone in a way that impresses and awes.

Well, that isn't working. At least not in the sense of living simply. So, I'll start over.

I clean houses, I babysit, I sew and I can help organize cluttered spaces.

It's clear that I do not have the time, motivation or vision for creating and selling unique products. It's clear that I cannot cook, garden or decorate for others in a way that is worth their money. Yet.

 And it's clear that I have been stretched so thin and in so many directions that I have no time to do anything I want to do just for myself. And when I do have that time, I stress and worry and procrastinate and write long-winded, tipsy blog posts about my lack of time.

So, Eff it. I'm done till I'm ready. I'll focus on what I can do well and get better at it. I will be punctual and efficient and professional until my workload, income and skills grow enough to expand. This will hopefully lead to a true, small social entrepreneurship endeavor that will benefit me and the people I employ and rely on.

Until then, I gotta simplify. I'm still gonna be complicated and stressed and a tired, worry-ridden young kid with no idea what their doing, but maybe it'll all be a little simpler.

Always Restless, Always Changing

Hypothesis: The need for more is not always a bad thing.


I'm restless again. This happens pretty often- not sure if I should say every few months or include the smaller, more frequent feelings of restlessness that seem to visit just about every other week.

Maybe we are a generation of restless people, always looking for more, expecting more. But, then again, I wonder if we are just a restless species and some people have learned to be content without change. Or, perhaps, as many people have suggested before me, it's just a symptom of being young.

Often, we are quick to blame our need for more (especially material possessions) on our fast-paced, consumer-based and self-centered modern society. I definitely think this is one major factor. But I think that maybe all humans are fated to want more of something, anything, every now and then. And maybe that isn't necessarily such a bad, entitled, selfish thing.

A few years ago, while I was in college, I was frustrated with this cycle of contentment for a time followed by a phase of longing and dissatisfaction. I remember talking to a friend about it one night over black coffee and cigarettes at Waffle House (Note: I still want to quit smoking, but I will always miss smoking in a Waffle House over good conversation at 2am for as long as I live). We decided that wanting more and never feeling fully satisfied is natural and re-occurring but were comforted by a new idea: Maybe you can at least you can choose what you want more of. Or try to, anyway.

One of my favorite concepts I took away from my beginning level philosophy class at Anderson University was that your thoughts create your desires, and by changing what you think about or how you think about it, you can change what you yearn for. You can change what you want and what you think you need. 

Powerful stuff.

This friend and I decided that a never-ending desire, need, longing or whatever else you want to call it for more is not always a bad thing depending on the target of that desire. I remember listing goals and pursuits such as knowledge, experience and travel as noble and worthwhile objects to always crave more of.

Now that I have graduated and have been immersed in the adult world of self-employment for over a year, I find myself restless yet again for more. More clients, more ideas, more projects, more cleaning supplies, more organization in my home, more accomplishments I can be proud of. Sometimes all I want is more time alone or with my dogs or with my friends. Often- almost always- I wish I had more self-control and discipline so I could stick to goals, schedules and plans which all go strongly against my personality type.

Some of these desires are healthy and fuel productivity, a sense of self-efficacy and added income. Some simply lead to attaining more followed by simply feeling dissatisfied and even anxious. Like when I recently wanted more than the relationship I was currently in and went on a date with someone I thought would be "more" in many ways only to feel even more disappointed and alone.

So, here I am, restless and wanting more of many things which, paradoxically, is often also wanting less of others (ie: wanting more time with my dogs would mean less work but I also want more work so, that doesn't get me anywhere).

So, I've decided once again, just like many years ago and a few times since, to try to pick what I really want more of. I want to create more, I want to relax more, I want to socialize more but also listen more, talk less. I want more work but only with people and projects that I am excited about and enjoy, no miserable rich people treating me like Cinderalla or projects that demand too many hours of labor for too little profit (or, as is often the case with me, a small loss).

I am restless. I am tired and need to be energized by my own life. I will decide what I truly want and need more of, a noble and worthwhile cause, and go after it. And then, in a little bit, after a phase of satisfaction and even true happiness (if it all works out), I will be restless and wanting more again. So I will pick what is worthwhile work to get it- again.

I think I'm figuring life out. And - oh, boy - is it exhausting. But at least its better than wanting and working for nothing at all.

Or... 

Maybe I'm just a self-centered and aimless product of my generation who is unsatisfied because of the outlandish expectations I have for my life as all the journalists suggest.

What do you think? Do you want more? Is that bad? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

THANKS FOR READING

Thread & Sewing Organizer- The Prototype

I had this idea a few months ago when I was setting up my new sewing room and it was instantly all-consuming. I've never designed a product before but this one was so clear in my mind- practical, relatively simple to make (or so I thought- ha!) and pretty darn cute.

This is just the prototype and the craftsmanship is faaaarr from perfect but I'm very happy with the overall look so far! I really hope to get the design down and start making these to sell for sewers and quilters online and maybe at shows (long-term goals, people).

I put 2" dowel rods on 3 sides but left the last one to hang and organize small sewing tools. I want to add a pincushion either to the top or this side and a handle to make it portable.

Here's the good part: Right now, this one just sits on the desk but once I order lazy susan bearings, it's gonna spin. PA-POW! The practical element just went through the roof!

Part of the iffy craftsmanship is due to my limited workspace and tools. Almost all of this project was done in my bedroom or on the back porch using a handsaw, hammer, nails, drill, Elmer's glue, spray paint and other odd-and-ends.

The other part of the iffy craftsmanship is due to just wanting to get it done. :)

Now that I've got a starter, it's back to the drawing board for me and my wonderful friends and family who are helping plan this whole thing out.

Do you have any ideas for what can make this an awesome organizer?! And what are the other uses I'm not thinking of? So far, I've thought about making these for tools, other crafts, jewelry and maybe even one for the kitchen. Please share your ideas!

THANKS FOR READING

Equality in the South- Charlotte Pride 2013

When I got in my car tonight after working 30 non-stop hours in 2 days, I was exhausted. My head pounded, my ears were ringing, my feet were so sore it hurt to push the gas pedal, my back ached, my face was burnt and my voice was completely shot.

After about an hour of driving, the relief of caffeine, water and 3 ibuprofens melted away the stress and fatigue, letting in a tidal wave of thoughts, emotions, reflections and revelations.

My head raced, my heart swelled and I spent the last two hours of my trip deep in thought, alternating between fighting back tears and grinning like a fool.

I was overjoyed thinking back on the thousands of eager supporters who jumped at the opportunity to help change discrimination in our state and make the workplace safe for all LGBT employees.

I was thrilled basking of the memories of marching in a parade with 50,000 on-lookers screaming and cheering for an organization dedicated to securing their rights.

I was touched remembering the people who call Charlotte and the Triad home who were amazed by the acceptance and support their community was showing for all people.

I was encouraged to see and hear about so many companies and employers who treat their LGBT workers the way every employer should- the same as everyone else.

I was saddened thinking of the five people I talked to who, once they had outed themselves at work, mysteriously lost their jobs within a few weeks.

I was encouraged when I looked back on all of the couples, families and individuals of every sexual orientation, gender identity, race, nationality and age who mingled together and celebrated being in a space of equality, acceptance and love.

And I was proud. Proud of myself for the work I did, proud of Equality North Carolina for all of the amazing, important causes they fight for, proud of my leaders and volunteers for everything they accomplished and proud of the state I live in.

Proud of North Carolina?

I am all too aware of the political situation in North Carolina right now. I am often scared, angry, discouraged and downright overwhelmed by the discriminatory and unethical laws and practices our representatives are putting in place at break-neck speeds. 

But this weekend, I didn't see hate or discrimination. I didn't see fear or sadness. 

This weekend, I saw people in the street ready for change and willing to make it happen. Not for the sake of a political agenda, but for the sake of equality.

And that is why, although I wasn't born here, I am proud to call it home.

THANKS FOR READING

Workshop/Bedroom Makeover Part 1: DIY Light Box Under the Bed- FREE PROJECT!

My sister and I switched rooms a couple weeks ago. Her room was twice the size of mine with a bathroom and sink and walk-in closet and she wasn't using most of the space. 

Most people think switching rooms sounds simple, and I guess it does. But most people don't understand how much stuff I have and how long it takes me to "nest" in a new place. I moved out here with a load and a half in my tiny Honda Civic and I own hardly any clothes or shoes, my toiletries are few and I have 2 necklaces to my name. Why so much stuff?

In one word: Etsy

Well, Etsy and working as a seamstress.

A short list:

Sewing supplies, fabric, tools, hardware, ongoing projects, completed projects, thread, buttons, ribbons, zippers, velcro, snaps, eyelets, paint, painting supplies, markers, colored pencils, paper, glue, iron, ironing board, shipping supplies, photography set-up/supplies...

(And that's just off the top of my head, there's more)

Anyway, here we are a few weeks after the move and I'm JUST settling into my new room. I'm very happy and proud of all the work I did and the space is organized down to every last inch so I've wanted to post about it for a few days. But there's SO much going on in there, I didn't even know where to start, so I just didn't.

So, let's start with one of my favorite, most simple and FREE projects I did that makes me very, very happy and proud- my light box.

I've wanted a light box for a while to trace designs onto both paper and fabric for various projects. They're expensive and it seems like such a simple concept, I didn't feel like spending much money on it. I looked into using some old wood box frames I have but didn't want to deal with finding Plexiglas and cutting it to size. Then I stumbled on the most obvious solution online!

I already had this storage box under my bed for all the random kitchen things we don't need in my current house but that I'm hanging on to for when I get my own place. It wasn't very full so I purged some of the stuff, shoved it all into the back - and - VOILA!

I also already had the LED lights inside and wasn't using them- I had bought one for a buck or two for my last closet which didn't have a light in it and the rest were hand-me-downs from a friend.

I love just pushing it back under my bed and not wasting any space since I don't use it all that often. It's still right next to my work table and i just sit on the floor to trace. It shine through at least 4 sheets of paper!!

So, that's it for today. This was by far one of the easiest, quickest and cheapest (well, free) projects in the room but I'm so happy with it's simplicity that I thought I'd share it first.

Trust me, there's plenty more to come... 

SNEAK PEEK!!

THANKS FOR READING