Simplify

Living simply used to be my ultimate goal. Avoiding the excess and stress and desires of modern, materialistic living. That was while I was a college student with high hopes, low rent and a lot of help from my parents.

Fast forward: I'm out of school, financially independent (mostly) and dealing with higher rent, student loan payments, car repairs, health costs, taxes, self-employment, adult dating, adult friendships and a dozen other day-to-day realities of adult life including the first time I've had to deal with illness and looming death in my family.

It had been mostly good and I still have no real reason to complain. No major F ups, no additional debt after school, no extreme breakdowns leading to hospitalization or losing a job. But nothing is simple about my life. NOTHING.

I have many, many addictions. Self-control is not in my functioning vocabulary. Willpower? Huh?

Among my addictions to caffeine, nicotine, sugar, sleep too much/sleep deprivation, mood swings, and attracting just enough chaos into my life to follow through with the thrill of swooping in and fixing everything last minute, is my addiction to goals, pursuits, ambitions and jobs.

I want to do everything, learn everything, get good at everything. I want to offer everything to everyone in a way that impresses and awes.

Well, that isn't working. At least not in the sense of living simply. So, I'll start over.

I clean houses, I babysit, I sew and I can help organize cluttered spaces.

It's clear that I do not have the time, motivation or vision for creating and selling unique products. It's clear that I cannot cook, garden or decorate for others in a way that is worth their money. Yet.

 And it's clear that I have been stretched so thin and in so many directions that I have no time to do anything I want to do just for myself. And when I do have that time, I stress and worry and procrastinate and write long-winded, tipsy blog posts about my lack of time.

So, Eff it. I'm done till I'm ready. I'll focus on what I can do well and get better at it. I will be punctual and efficient and professional until my workload, income and skills grow enough to expand. This will hopefully lead to a true, small social entrepreneurship endeavor that will benefit me and the people I employ and rely on.

Until then, I gotta simplify. I'm still gonna be complicated and stressed and a tired, worry-ridden young kid with no idea what their doing, but maybe it'll all be a little simpler.