I'm restless again. This happens pretty often- not sure if I should say every few months or include the smaller, more frequent feelings of restlessness that seem to visit just about every other week.
Maybe we are a generation of restless people, always looking for more, expecting more. But, then again, I wonder if we are just a restless species and some people have learned to be content without change. Or, perhaps, as many people have suggested before me, it's just a symptom of being young.
Often, we are quick to blame our need for more (especially material possessions) on our fast-paced, consumer-based and self-centered modern society. I definitely think this is one major factor. But I think that maybe all humans are fated to want more of something, anything, every now and then. And maybe that isn't necessarily such a bad, entitled, selfish thing.
A few years ago, while I was in college, I was frustrated with this cycle of contentment for a time followed by a phase of longing and dissatisfaction. I remember talking to a friend about it one night over black coffee and cigarettes at Waffle House (Note: I still want to quit smoking, but I will always miss smoking in a Waffle House over good conversation at 2am for as long as I live). We decided that wanting more and never feeling fully satisfied is natural and re-occurring but were comforted by a new idea: Maybe you can at least you can choose what you want more of. Or try to, anyway.
One of my favorite concepts I took away from my beginning level philosophy class at Anderson University was that your thoughts create your desires, and by changing what you think about or how you think about it, you can change what you yearn for. You can change what you want and what you think you need.
Powerful stuff.
This friend and I decided that a never-ending desire, need, longing or whatever else you want to call it for more is not always a bad thing depending on the target of that desire. I remember listing goals and pursuits such as knowledge, experience and travel as noble and worthwhile objects to always crave more of.
Now that I have graduated and have been immersed in the adult world of self-employment for over a year, I find myself restless yet again for more. More clients, more ideas, more projects, more cleaning supplies, more organization in my home, more accomplishments I can be proud of. Sometimes all I want is more time alone or with my dogs or with my friends. Often- almost always- I wish I had more self-control and discipline so I could stick to goals, schedules and plans which all go strongly against my personality type.
Some of these desires are healthy and fuel productivity, a sense of self-efficacy and added income. Some simply lead to attaining more followed by simply feeling dissatisfied and even anxious. Like when I recently wanted more than the relationship I was currently in and went on a date with someone I thought would be "more" in many ways only to feel even more disappointed and alone.
So, here I am, restless and wanting more of many things which, paradoxically, is often also wanting less of others (ie: wanting more time with my dogs would mean less work but I also want more work so, that doesn't get me anywhere).
So, I've decided once again, just like many years ago and a few times since, to try to pick what I really want more of. I want to create more, I want to relax more, I want to socialize more but also listen more, talk less. I want more work but only with people and projects that I am excited about and enjoy, no miserable rich people treating me like Cinderalla or projects that demand too many hours of labor for too little profit (or, as is often the case with me, a small loss).
I am restless. I am tired and need to be energized by my own life. I will decide what I truly want and need more of, a noble and worthwhile cause, and go after it. And then, in a little bit, after a phase of satisfaction and even true happiness (if it all works out), I will be restless and wanting more again. So I will pick what is worthwhile work to get it- again.
I think I'm figuring life out. And - oh, boy - is it exhausting. But at least its better than wanting and working for nothing at all.
Or...
Maybe I'm just a self-centered and aimless product of my generation who is unsatisfied because of the outlandish expectations I have for my life as all the journalists suggest.
What do you think? Do you want more? Is that bad? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
THANKS FOR READING
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