Snapshot, Hope for a Better Year

So, it's been YEARS since I've posted. So much has happened. I'm often to manic or depressed to write but I've been pretty well for a while. Maybe I'll get back to this more often!

It's been a really reflective couple of weeks since I've been mentally and emotionally stable for about 2 months. Outpatient treatment got me to a very good place regarding mental illness/health but I'd like to pick up from there. But here's the issue...


From a blog post on October 1, 2014 about "knowing you're not ok" - 

"to never, ever be able to make a single change that you attempt 

no matter how clear the plan is, 

how beneficial the change will be or how badly you want it"

Since middle school, I've worked on long lists about how to be a better version of myself. Schedules, habits, everything.

I really want to be intentional and believe that positive change is possible. I've been obsessive about self-help books in the past and want to come at this with a perspective of wellness and self-compassion, not criticism and perfection. 

Although I've read countless self-help books, I've never really lived them out. I read and move on. This year, I'd like to follow a rough guide from "The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lyubomirsky with 12 happiness-building techniques. I think of them as wellness activities, increasing my quality of life.

For years, I've wanted to create a "snapshot" of what daily life is like for me with a focus on habits so I can see how, if at all, I've improved over time. I think of it as the same as a "before" photo if someone wants to lose weight. I've highlighted what I want to improve, and there's a lot. Not sure of this will work but I'd love to look back in a year and see that I'm healthier and maybe happier, too.

The snapshot I created is based on lists of constructive and destructive lifestyle factors for good mental and physical health. It may be too long or I may have missed important habits and factors but I think it's pretty comprehensive...

(From Pinterest, can't find a source!)

Here we go!

Yellow - Needs improvement

Orange- Top priority

Green - Good


Snapshot, 12/15/19 - 

Cigarettes - 20/day, sometimes less or more, tried to quit hundreds of times with every method

Alcohol - Currently abstaining (2 months, woot!) At worst, >10 drinks/week

Prescription Benzos - Currently less than 1/month, at worst, a few a day

Caffeine - 300-1200mg (at least 2 cups of coffee, often 2 Americanos as well)

Sleep - 7-11 hours/night, actually waking up well-rested a lot of mornings, rarely napping

Diet - Processed! Rarely "food"
   Fruits - Sometimes, about or less than once a day
   Vegetables - Almost none (except for lettuce on McChickens) I really like vegetables but, on average, I eat them less than once per day :(
   Meat - Almost daily
   Animal Products - Daily
   Processed Foods - Daily

Digestion - Really bad, no details :)

Cooking - Rarely, I know 3-5 recipes total

Weight - 150.4 (Healthy now but has been steadily going up, goals to maintain, at my worst, 125)

Exercise - Almost none, have a gym membership, haven't used it since becoming stable (working out is fun and easy when you're manic!)

Outdoor Time - Almost none besides smoking on the porch

Reading books - Never (Eyes are messed up. I listen to too many self-help books and have started a Terry Pratchett series but I haven't READ a book in YEARS)

Hobbies - Barely woodworking for business, tried knitting, stressful

Waste/Environmental Impact - Too much, very irresponsible

Dating/Romantic Life - Meh now, when it was really bad, it was REALLY bad

Time with Friends - One of the highlights of my life, 3-6 per week in Anderson, 1-2/month in Chicago

Time with Family - Another highlight, nearly constant in Chicago, difficult in Anderson

Volunteering - NONE

Donating - Literally bare minimum

Debt - Bad (I have a spreadsheet but not gonna share it! ha)

Income - Really low

Spending - Really bad

Hours worked/week - 10-30

Meditation/Mindfullness - Almost none, some weeks, a lot

Journaling - None


Happiness Score 4.89/6 (This is from the book mentioned above, possibly more on this later)

So there we go! A whole lot of yellow but I'm glad to see green in some of the most important categories and that I've narrowed my priorities down to 3 which are all, luckily, intertwined. Quitting smoking will cut my spending significantly and allow me to put more money toward debt!

I'm curious if anyone else out there wants to try this. Like a weight-loss pact but for general wellness and self improvement. With all the silly quizzes and questionnaires on Facebook, I find it odd that I have NEVER seen a list like this. Maybe because it's too over-share-y but I think it has so much to say about our quality of life!

Let me know if you want to make a list of your own and share it publicly, privately with just me or to keep it to yourself.

And what did I miss? What important lifestyle factors would you list that I left out? Comment below!

Thanks for reading!

A Year of Recovering from Bipolar Disorder

Here I am. It has been two years since my last blog post and one year since I moved home and officially received the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder.

To those that don't know, I suffered two major manic episodes last year, one that led me to the ER and another that came close. During this time, there have also been times of deep depression, anxiety or general apathy. However, thanks to a year of regular medication, therapy, meditation and supportive friends and family, I feel as if I am finally stable. Not yet thriving, but stable.

I am holding down two jobs where I feel appreciated and competent, I get to interact with dozens of people each work day either helping them to organize their lives or get the medical attention they seek. I have also improved my sleep, anxiety levels and continue to connect with old friends that mean the world to me.

I still have hard days. At times, I miss my mania and the sense of raw passion, motivation and endless energy it gave me but I have also come to see the destructive and unhealthy behaviors that it brought out in me. I struggle with lack of motivation as I come out of both mania and depression and am left with a lack of direction and clarity on how a healthy person functions. How to live a balanced life that is still full of passion and drive.

I hope to resume blogging and share more about my struggles for several reasons. The first is purely in the light of self-care. Blogging helps me to process and better understand myself through the therapeutic act of writing and telling my story, even if it just to myself. The second is to keep friends and family aware of what I have gone through since I have not openly posted about my mental health during these trying times. But the most important is to be a voice of hope to anyone struggling with depression, anxiety, a bipolar diagnosis or even suicidal thoughts. I have experienced all of these things and know how scary it is to feel like you are alone in those times. You are not alone and things can and will get better. I will post separately a message of hope and solidarity for those struggling with their own mental health but for now, know that I see you, I love you and I know how hard it can be.

Now that I am in a stable place in life, I want to accomplish more. I want something to drive me and make me feel passionate again. It may be small, but especially in the hard times we are all facing in the world of violence and political turmoil, I think that being a voice of hope and being honest about my own experience is at least some form of bringing relief and hope if not just a dose of honestly and vulnerability to the world. As the name of my blog suggest, this is all Bigger Than I Am. I could never hope to cure all that's wrong in the world or to make mental health problems disappear, but I do hope to be one small light of positivity and hope in my corner of life.

So join me if you are interested. It is not easy and I'm not sure how much I will be able to clarify my thoughts or provide relief to those with their own struggles but, here I am. Writing to myself and to you, my friends, family and possibly those I've never met. I can only hope I bring a tough of good to the world through simple words and authentic sharing. Love to all and no one is alone.

what it feels like to really, truly not be ok (a look back 4 years)

A Look Back -

I'm thinking about blogging again, looked through all my past posts and could see the actual deterioration of my mental health. This post is originally from October 1, 2014. I wanted to share it as an archive of where I was. As I mention at the end, I truly could not see a way out our a future where I would be happy. Besides this intro, nothing else has been edited. Sometimes I forget how far I've come in the last 4 years. I had not been properly diagnosed with bipolar at this point and was not on any medication. Depression, anxiety and bipolar affect every part of life and I'm so glad I've come through the other side. I'm always here for you if you're going through this now, all I can say for the moment is that it really, truly sucks.

Original Post (10/1/14) -

- to always feel out of place, like your doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, with the wrong people, not working hard enough, working to hard, and on and on

- to be so afraid of the world that you get up on some mornings when you're feeling brave and put on nice clothes and do your makeup well with the intention of going out in the world and making connections, having experiences, feeling alive only to wallow, hide, procrastinate and never leave the house all day

- to follow your own path, do what you love, support yourself, sacrifice and fight for what matters to you and have it crumble under your own exhaustion

- to hear from countless friends and family after your demise that they are glad you failed, that the way you were doing things wasn't good anyway, that this is better

- to try to "get a job" and "have a relationship" the way everyone thinks is healthy and normal only to feel your skin crawl and your insides scream the whole time you go through the motions of doing either one, only to ultimately fucked them both up

- to try so hard at everyday life that people are amused by you, causing them to laugh at issues that, deep down, to you, are vulnerable and painful open wounds

- to be everyone's clown, the butt of every joke, but to hate everything about yourself

- to have only one person you can talk to honestly and feel 100% understood by and then to have them tear the fiber of your being to shreds without regretting anything

- to feel your home is in so many different places and nowhere at the same time

- to not fall asleep, wake up early and cry for no reason before going to work

- to never, ever be able to make a single change that you attempt no matter how clear the plan is, how beneficial the change will be or how badly you want it

- to be a constant dissappointment to yourself except when you accomplish something truly unique that you are proud of but everyone else dismisses

- to never be able to visualize a single positive outcome for your own future

- when, in the fleeitng moments of clarity and optimism, to quickly change your mind

-to never really, truly feel ok, normal, happy, content, sane, balanced or healthy

this is me. this is how i feel most of the time, except when i dont. it sucks and im done

A Guide for Running Errands: The ADHD Way

Note: This is humorous post, not a pity-party. I'm here to share a silly story about my crazy, crazy brain, not to concern any of my friends and family. Got it, Facebook relatives? Good.

I was recently re-diagnosed as ADHD which should have been abundantly clear my whole life. Instead, I just chose to use the same labels that everybody else always has after spending more than 2 minutes with me; scatter-brained, flaky, ditsy, forgetful, spazzy, distracted, motor-mouthed, etc.

So while I wait for my new Rx to magically fix everything, I thought I'd share a typical afternoon in my life, because, well, it's just plain silly.

To understand a little of what its like in my head, I'm gonna run through the errands I just ran and how... eh-hem... smoothly they went.

This afternoon, I was supposed to-

• Drop some donations off at Goodwill
• Exchange my dog's harness for one in a different color
• Stop in at couple Starbucks to ask about jobs
• Get gas and vacuum out my car

Preparation- This step is crucial. Before you leave, Set aside at least 90 minutes to try to gather everything you need for these errands. This will require running through every room in the house, including the garage, looking for the various donations as well as the harness you misplaced. More importantly there will be many small tasks that require IMMEDIATE attention. Such tasks include, but are not limited to; organizing a few random shelves in the garage, looking at Pinterest for ideas about the DIY project you want to do this weekend, texting friends and checking Facebook, putting some - but not all - of your dirty clothes in the hamper because, well, you looked at them, and letting your dog in and out several times because, of course, you will be leaving the house in "just a minute" for the next 45 minutes. In order to stay on top of all of these extremely important and relevant tasks, it will help to start several lists in several different notebooks. Make sure to keep the notebooks in different rooms - which you must not, under any circumstances, keep track of - and never, EVER leave a pen near them. Pens should always be carried with you to the next room you enter to be left on a surface of your own random and unconscious choice, also not to be kept track of. The final and most important step if you want to be truly prepared to start your errands is to leave the essentials like your purse, phone and car keys all over the house, tucked away in the oddest nooks and crannies. At least with the cell phone, you can call it from the house phone which is HOPEFULLY left in its cradle. As for the purse and car keys, you will have to run up and down the stairs at least 4 times looking "everywhere" without the cognitive capacity to slow your eyes or brain down long enough to actually register the lost item you are looking for. This is sure to give you the desired result of finding it exactly where you've looked "a hundred times already!"

Ok, are you ready to run 4 errands? Good! All that prep time should have paid off, let's go!

Step 1- Go to Goodwill, empty donations. Guy asks if you need a receipt, say no, walk away.

Step 2- Remember you do need a receipt that your dad asked you for, go back.

Step 3- Take dog harness to pet store, ramble about getting the wrong one, talking to someone about return policies, explaining you have a receipt but not the original card it was purchased with, and that your dog can simply NOT wear a pink harness only find out that the clerk didn't need any of this information. Get the new harness with no fuss except that you awkwardly held on to the harness you were returning and the clerk had to ask for it since you were, you know, there to return it.

Step 4- Go to Starbucks, ask for a manager and place your order while the cashier gets her. After talking to manager about coming back tomorrow, get in car and drive away.

Step 5- Get halfway out of parking lot when you remember that you never picked up the $3 glorified iced tea you ordered, drive back to store and try to pass it off as cute.

     *Job Tip: This is a great way to make a first impression on a potential employer.

Step 6- Drive right past the gas station to get no gas and not vacuum out car. Why would I do that? Oh, the list? Well, too bad.

Step 8- Remember that there is another huge bag of donations in the trunk that you forgot to drop off. Whoops, another time then.

Step 9- Get home, feel exhausted yet accomplished and proud, take new harness out to fit on dog, realize its the wrong one made for a small dog, not a 70 pound she-beast. Decide to return it again.

Step 10- Drive back to pet store, do some more rambling and get the right harness.

Step 11- Stop at gas station for a full tank but no vacuuming. Meh, I'll do it later.

Step 12- Get home, feel so tired and overwhelmed by the amount of effort you've just exerted from living in your own crazy-brain that you have to write a whole blog post about a simple errand run so you can try to recover some sanity and gain recognition for the insane and difficult life you lead not because of any great hardships or disadvantages, but due solely to your own ridiculous and disorganized thoughts.

GOOD JOB, YOU DID IT!! 

That wasn't so hard, was it? 

Now, for other 4 things that were on the list that I didn't even mention because it was too complicated and they're still not done...

That's right, ladies and gents. This? This was the condensed version! 

If you ever want to experience a true, unedited 3 hours in my brain, I would be more than willing to switch sometime. Gimme a call. We'll work something out.

THANKS FOR READING

Photo credit to Etsy Shop Emily Cromwell
View shop at https://www.etsy.com/shop/EmilyCromwell?ref=unav_listing-h

Southern Snow Storm in Photos

Set Up: It snowed in Raleigh. We new that it would snow but no one knew quite how hard and fast it would hit. I stayed at a house I was cleaning just a few minutes too long and Amanda left the house just 30 minutes too late to get our very important hot chocolate and Oreos. We were fools, this is what happened.

Car off the side of the hill by my house. All the snow you see was less than 30 minutes after this started. Sure, my Chicago and Indiana friends will think this is ridiculous but when was the last time you drove up a steep hill with no salt or 4WD in a snow storm? Huh? Whatever. I left it and started walking the half mile home.

While I left most things in the car, I carried with me the 35 lb box of artificial logs I had bought the night before in preparation for the storm. Why didn't I unload the car the night before? Why don't you mind your own business?

Kicking and dragging the box once I got downhill was much easier than carrying it!

Warm fire with the dogs. Amanda was still stuck in traffic that refused to move. It took her 2 hours to drive less than 2 miles but that was lucky compared to people who had to wait for hours or abandon their cars 5 miles away to walk home. It was bad, people.

Next morning, Amanda and I took the dogs first thing to check on the car and see if we could get it out or at least see that it hadn't been hit or broken in to. We looked like the guys from Star Wars on the planet that was like, cold and snowy. See how cool I am? I totally know detailed Sci-Fi references (I do not).

This is Amanda looking at the frozen pine needles of the branch that fell in our yard. The whole thing was covered in ice and we have tall trees here so they fell far!

After some friendly neighbors tried to help us push the car out with no success, we took what we needed from the car and walked home. Double Back Pack!!

When we got home I told Amanda that we should shake the snow off the trees so they wouldn't get damaged. I was brsuhing the snow off just fine, Amanda takes one swipe and pulled off a whole, sad branch.

Look at the ice! Pretty.

Anyway, I just got the car back, I'm getting ready to get back to my house. 3 days and 2 packages of Oreos later (thanks for bringing us emergency Oreos, Tommy and Kelsey), Amanda and I have ended our sister snow day(s) and it's time to get back home.

I hope everyone stayed dry and safe.

THANKS FOR READING

Exploring Privilege

So far this year, my head has been swimming in thoughts about my race, gender, income, neighborhood, age, and so much more. Why? I can't identify with most people and "groups" anymore. I don't feel like I "fit in" anywhere.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now and my current situation could not better illustrate my current feeling of dislocation. There are four college girls, all white, all within 2 or 3 years of me, working on a group project. They are talking loudly enough and I am sitting closer than I would have chosen if they were already sitting there (it's been very hard to concentrate without headphones) and their conversation makes me feel so far from them.

I know I was in their exact position just a few short years ago but it's so odd to think about how now I worry about scheduling my clients, trying to expand my business, pay my bills and student loans, manage adult dating and friendships and try to stay above the daily grind by grasping in thin air for some sort of aim or goal that seems worthwhile and they're discussing how they would run their sorority's Twitter account so much better than the other girls who were unwise enough to -get ready - choose chevron as the background of the Twitter page!! (Seriously, I don't think chevron didn't even exist when I was their age!!)

This is all especially bizarre because I find myself resenting their lives and everything they have that they seem to take for granted which - in case you really think I'm as unaware as it seems - is completely RIDICULOUS considering we probably have almost identical backgrounds.

I caught myself judging them the most harshly when they were talking about a younger sister of one of their friends getting a car while only in the 9th grade. One girl asked what kind of car it was and was entirely unimpressed when she heard it was a Honda CRV. I guess the fact that it wasn't a Mustang made the information commonplace. HOW DARE THEY WRITE OFF A PERFECTLY GOOD HONDA AS A GIFT FROM A FATHER TO HIS DAUGHTER! IF I WERE THAT LUCKY....

Then I remembered that the Honda Civic I drove here in tonight is not, in fact mine. It was a gift from my father. I pay for the gas, repairs and insurance and even though I do still consider it his car since I have not yet made any payments to him (he IS the owner), I have destroyed the inside and outside of that vehicle through many countless fender-benders or by moving lumber and rusty dollies for work or, you know, years of smoking (I really am sorry, dad). So, while I am very grateful for the transportation my situation has provided me, I obviously take it for granted.

I've realized I take a lot of it for granted.

So, I'm gonna reflect on that this week. I cannot promise that I won't say something that offends someone or is just plain wrong but this will be an honest exploration of my own privilege.

I have already realized that, subconsciously, I had planned on this being a week to basically prove that I really don't have THAT much privilege. I wanted to feel better about myself, believe that I didn't have much of a leg up in life. That these girls at the table across from me have it sooo much better than I do and that the adult ed black woman next to me that I'm chatting with about doing laundry and trying to relax for a minute at this coffee shop, now she and I have something in common. She's my people, not these yuppy, rich, white college girls.

BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE!!

It honestly may be true for my life at the moment and I LOVE that. But to pretend that I understand her experience better than these girls across from me is ignorant and just plain wrong.

I've found myself feeling more and more isolated from well-off, straight, white, mainstream people and more and more connected with minorities of all kinds. But, while empathy is always a good thing and invaluable in creating change that matters, pretending to be someone or something I'm not and re-inventing my own narrative to seem like I've encountered more hardship than I have will not help anyone and is not fair.

So I'll look at all of the fortunate aspects of my life that I had little or no control over, how they have benefited me, and why I now see how change can only happen when we acknowledge our privileges and do the important work necessary to even the playing field for all people and try, to the greatest extent possible, to end the discrimination and hate so many people face on a regular basis.

I will explore race, gender identity, sexual orientation, income/education and even appearance and am honestly very nervous. I think this important and I want to process and share and- hopefully -create conversation but this will involve being very vulnerable and, as I said, just plain wrong.

Please be patient, tell me if I'm being hurtful and, as always,

THANK YOU FOR READING

We're All Drowning. (Except Old People. Old People Know What's Up.)

I clean and organize houses for a living. I spend a lot of time "behind the curtain" of peoples' lives and I've learned a very valuable lesson: we are all a hot mess. We are all drowning.

Now, if I've ever worked for you, please do not freak out or take personal offense. I am talking from the experience in my own life/house and from the dozens upon dozens of parents, professionals, bachelors, young people, retired couples and everyone else I have worked with over the past ten years. I'm talking about all of us.

We are stressed. We have too many things. We spend too much money. We over-book our time. We focus on relationships that wear us out. We waste out free time. We are rarely in the present moment. We move very fast, getting not very much done.

So, please know, f you do any of the things above or ever feel like your life is complete chaos, you're not alone.

All of our lives are chaos.

Every time I clean for a new client, they apologize profusely for "the mess" or "the clutter" or the way things look and I always assure them not to worry, that this is what I do all the time for a living and that - truthfully - it's not any different or worse than any other house. Ok, yes, logically, not every houses is exactly the same; some are better and some are, in fact, worse. But the actual state of the house is relative and not important. What matters is that most people feel equally overwhelmed about their homes and lives.

(Of course, my sampling is obviously skewed toward more disorganized people, hence why they contact me for my services. Still, even in my personal observations, it is clear that many people fit in this category)

We work hard to buy things we don't need. We misuse our time doing things that make us miserable instead of making the time and space for what brings us true joy. The temptations of our modern world are just too strong and easily-accessible; bad TV, insanely cheap but super useless knick knacks on store shelves, never-ending "solutions" to modern living whether these are gadgets, organizing tools, the newest health fad food or whatever else marketers know we'll think we need the instant we see it. (They are smart people, don't underestimated them. They have studies and algorithms on their side!).

We buy these things, surround ourselves with these things and they make us feel warm and fuzzy for a short while- research shows its a VERY short while - and then wake up everyday wading through our own possessions and stressing about our jammed schedules with people and activities we dread just to come home to those same piles of things we must move from place to place and clean and, in whatever form, put energy into. 

This is the key: objects take energy and space. Obligations take time. People take emotional capital. Now think about this: how much of each of those things do you have? If the answer is "infinite, and they never need replenishing" then, please, by all means, keep doing what you're doing.

But, please, let's all recognize our limits and respect them.

One observation with all this is that the older people I work for are the ones least likely to be stressed or overwhelmed. It's amazing to see. 

It seems sometime in your 60's (this is confirmed in happiness research) you just stop worrying so much because nothing seems worth the bother. Trust me, their houses are no cleaner or better organized than anyone else's and they like to have them clean but they don't worry and apologize and fuss about the details like most people (including myself) do. They just say "here's the bathroom. It's dirty" and move on with their day. They don't run from meeting to meeting or arrange to have coffee dates with people they don't like, they've learned not to surround themselves with the people they don't like. Ok, maybe they buy stuff they don't need, but even that doesn't seem to bother them the way it stresses many other people in the end.

(True, these are broad generalizations but they are based on the people I actually work for and. like I said, figures that show happiness actually peaks around age 65. This may not sum up all older people and I know for a fact that there are plenty of young people who don't get bothered/overwhelmed by all the things I'm describing but it does seem that age and experience brings perspective which then makes it clear that worry is, almost always, a waste.)

Just think: Every wise and calm grandmother MUST have been a frantic new mom at some point, worrying about every detail of their baby's health and the condition of the home!

FINAL THOUGHT: As I write this, typing profusely, thoughts flowing faster than I can process them, sipping an americano at a coffee shop, a man in his 70's who was sitting a few chairs down from me just left. I kept thinking he was meeting someone or waiting for something because he was just sitting. Not on a computer, no phone, not ever reading a newspaper or a book! He was sitting. He would take a sip from his drink, and he would sit some more. In complete silence for about 30 minutes, this man sat and sipped. 

Now, maaaaybe in his mind he was running through a list of everything he had to do this week, everything that went wrong last week, every political event that is making him fume at the moment, everything he wishes he had more time for, everything he wants to buy, everything he wishes he could afford, every bill that stresses him out and every blog post his very loud brain tells him he HAS to write like I do every time I'm faced with silence and stillness but.... ya know what, it didn't look like that's what he was thinking about. Looked like he was just sitting.

Let's learn from that man, people. Let's save ourselves from drowning. Better yet, let's throw out some lifesavers and give each other a hand. I know I could use one from time to time.

THANKS FOR READING

P.S. If none of the above issues describe your life in anyway, SOS! I mean, GREAT JOB!! Keep it up and disregard everything I said. Also, feel free to share some tips for all of us hot messes!

P.P.S. I'll be at the Moral March in Raleigh this weekend (ALL NC PEOPLE SHOULD GO) and am planning a series next week about privilege. Race, education, gender identity, sexual orientation and appearance will all be explored plus what privilege means and how we should act when we got a lot of it! Be on the lookout!